There are a plethora of reasons for and against writing on this particular topic. I’ve written before in such a state of despair and hopelessness. I had hoped that this would be an altogether different story but despite my hope, I don’t know the future. I hope that your heart will be touched. That your eyes will be opened to the truths before you and you will learn to love again, not just others, but yourself. You should know that first and foremost, I love you. Such a love is selfless and pure as it expects nothing in return, although acceptance of its very being one day in the future shall be noted. Lani and I have talked so much about you as I try to understand why you are the way you are, why you do the things you do. Our conversations end with us agreeing that wounded animals are the most dangerous to be around and to love you from afar.
It would do you well to also know that I have forgiven you for 95% of all aches and sufferings you have caused in my life. You may muse about that very specific number and that is fine. It holds a large purpose.
You have often seen me unlike anyone else in my life. Not in an admirable or flattering light do you see me. Instead you see my flaws and exaggerate them. You view me as shallow though I have depth you will never see as I find it immeasurably difficult to open up to you. I feel unintelligent around you and it causes me to retreat into myself much more than usual. Often to the point that who you see and speak with is but a shell of the woman I am.
Somewhere inside I am calculating what to say, how to be disarming, how to protect myself if you miss-step & speak words that slice like a knife. While my IQ tests high, you seem to think that I am mildly intelligent at best. Maybe that is because my brain works in a weird, confusing way, or the mental illness, who knows. Having different a different type of smarts and awareness means I have to pay a price and the price was a lack of social skills and the inability to convey my thoughts in a cohesive manner unless my environment is tranquil. Such is the reason I am in bed, tapping away on the glowing screen of my phone as my husband lightly snores.
Throughout my life we have had small moments of bonding and massive moment of butting heads. I have memories of riding on a lawnmower with you. I remember seeing you at family gatherings and being confused about how I felt about you and what I should feel about you. I have a collection of special things you’ve given me over the years. Even rocks we polished when I was 5 or 6 I have tucked away safe in the closet so as to not lose them. Those items are precious to me as they were the only thing that made me feel loved by you growing up. I’m not sad about that though. Giving is a legitimate love language after all.
I started writing this in 2013, it is now the Fall of 2014. In the time since I last wrote here, our relationship has changed in many ways. We actually have a relationship!! Its just a baby one but its a start. I feel comfortable baring my soul a bit to you every once in awhile. You’ve earned the right by choosing to let yourself see me as an individual. I hope this continues as you grow, as I grow. As we both trudge through life towards our respective end goals. I’m starting to respect you, you know? As a man, as a father, as someone who has strengths I admire. A year ago I would not have even considered that. One to two years ago my then fiance held me while my chest exploded with emotional pain and I sobbed until my tear ducts were emptied when I thought of you. A year ago I loved you, but you were still too dangerous. Like a massive bear trudging through an antique shop. Today I am less fragile than I was. Today you are kinder than you used to me. I have no idea how you see me anymore. Novia has helped open your eyes but you still see what you want to see often enough. I hope we can find even footing one day.
I mentioned that you’ve been forgiven for most things. I’ve probably told you what I’ve forgiven you for. Grace flows like a big warm blanket in my life these days and i’m quite fine with that, it gives me much joy. There is a part left uncovered, maybe you know what it is. I’ve talked about it before. I’m not here to tell you that you’ve been the greatest, but i’m not here to shame you either. I just really need to get all of this out now. I might as well not beat around the bush. You probably had no idea that you could break someone’s heart so easily, and I hope this find you in a place where you are more aware of the reactions to your actions.
This one of my truths.
You chose not to be at my wedding. It shouldn’t be a big deal to me, but it is. It will always hurt me. I wanted you to walk me out there to New, despite your lack of significant positive presence in my life. Even if you had just showed up, that would have been enough for me. But the day of, I readied myself to walk as I heard the attendant’s music start to fade. I knew what was coming next. I had memorized the notes of the song I would walk to as I married my husband back in 2007 when I heard them in your living room. A clammy hand tightly gripped mine and for a moment, I imagined it was you, but when I looked up, there was Eric, looking just as nervous as me. He patted my arm and said to me, “I’m sorry I have to be the one to do this.” I know he meant well. I told him I was glad he was there. But those words felt like a knife in my wounds. That another father figure didn’t want to be honored by me. I would of course, never tell him that, because I knew he simply meant that he was the wrong man for the job. See, it was never about who was a better father. It wasn’t about “giving” me away. I was never yours nor Eric’s to give away. I’ve been a stand alone unit for several years now, if anyone, I should have had Lani give me away since she was the one person who I feel has ever had a claim on me. It was however, about who I desperately wanted to be valued by and the act of participating or even showing up to a huge step in my life, was an action that would speak volumes to me. It was about you being honored by me, being given free entrance into my crazy life & the thing of beauty that I was embarking on with New. But as the first beautiful notes of the song trickled out (August’s Rhapsody from August Rush, 3:05-4:22 in the almost 8 minute song) I took Eric’s arm and pulled my chin up and walked out of the tent. I had a smile on my face as I saw NewLand, but inside the emotions were trying to explode from my chest. That moment was the only moment I have ever given up on you. I will remember the feeling of utter despair for the rest of my days.
I had a lovely wedding that day in late July. I am married to an amazing man. But it will always be one of the happiest and most hopeless days of my entire life. As we celebrated a new beginning I grieved for my Daddy. I hope that one day, we may have a vow renewal and I will get to see your face smiling back at me. But for now it is what it is. Some may say its not a big deal, get over it! You have impacted my life in ways that I have willingly chosen to rise above and cover with grace. I allow myself this one moment of agony because it reminds me of who I am now, of who I choose to be. A young woman who knows the pain of loss and rejection and will do everything in her power to cover those she loves with grace abundant. A young woman who has learned that her value cannot be dependent on the love of another person. A woman who chooses to let Love be greater than anything else in her life, even when she is drowning in her own hopelessness. A young woman who still loves you so much it hurts. Whose chest aches when she sees your heart burdened and disappointment in your eyes. Who wishes that she could show you how much your presence in her life now means to her. Nothing can erase the past but you’ve chosen to build a better present and seek a beautiful future. I’m honored to be apart of it now, and if I have anything to say about it, I will be with you in the future however I can.
Go listen to the Rhapsody maybe. Listen to it LOUD. It brings tears to my eyes every time I listen to it. I feel my life in this song. My entrance was at 3:05 and ended at 4:24 I think. But the whole song is beautiful and it was exactly what I imagined it would be, just like my life so far, a little bit of magic.